Post by Pilgrim John on Feb 10, 2006 1:52:34 GMT -5
CHIBI ROBO: Plug Into Adventure!
***Review by Pilgrim John
Welcome to the very first "Pilgrim John vs. the Gamer Journalism Industry" review brand. Wait a minute, I'm supposed to be reviewing a game, yes?
Too true. In fact, a certain magazine (Because I pity their foolishness, I shall name them Retard Monthly) gave this quirky gem, Chibi-Robo, a 5 out of 10.
And why?
Friends, do not believe the exaggerations issued out by this crapazine. I shall pick apart their weak arguments and completely obliterate them with cold truth and, to quote Drake Redcrest, JUSTICEFULNESS!
Let us begin the punishment.
*GAMEPLAY*
Retard Monthly:
"This game is not a damn bit of fun...The fact that you're constantly recharging Chibi and returning to his 'Chibi-House' every five minutes doesn't help anything either...the longer I spent in the Sanderson house, the less appealing I found it....its self-destructive camera and monotonous gameplay flatten brain activity like a blow to the head...Chibi-Robo is not a platformer, but more of a 3D adventure game comprised entirely of fetch quests and repetitive menial labor."
THE TRUTH:
That is how it feels in the very start of the game. The beginning is S L O W. Painfully slow, in fact, and it can be somewhat repetitive. And it's true about the battery--Chibi will need some repowering every five minutes at the start. After a while though, you'll be able to extend the life battery to several more minutes.
But this bonehead obviously didn't have the will to survive in Robo's world long enough to actually have FUN, or if he did, he sure didn't look very hard.
The game gets WAY better after the beginning. The whole point of this quirky adventure is to score as many Happy Points and Moolah as possible, and the way to do that is to help others.
But does knucklehead think it's fun to help people? Nope. He gives every GTA a 10, not once thinking that killing people gets boring after the second or third unfortunate victim.
Oh yeah, and the self-destructive camera? Nonexistant. In fact, the camera won't raise much of a fuss in any area of the house; this is something other games need to take note of.
As for the "fetch quests": there aren't that many. In fact, the characters challenge you a lot of the time, like Drake Redcrest taking you on patrol with him (In order to train you into the perfect start trooper). The fetch quests are definitely present though: a pirate, after discovering the Sandersons aren't dead, wants you to find his missing ship because he can't remember where it is; a narcolaptic teddy bear demands you seek more druglike "nectar" for him; a bunch of egg troopers (after trying to kill you) will wonder where their photo is, etc.
However, the fetch quests here aren't any different than in other games like Mario Sunshine's sprites... Each fetch is merely a means to an end, each character simply a pawn in your hands... mwahahaaa...
*ahem*
Anyway, as far as violence goes, there's not much unless either Chibi plummets from the ceiling rafters or he battles evil aliens. Yes. I said aliens. And robot spiders! Believe it!
In short, the gameplay works, and is quite simple and fun. Just try to survive the beginning, and you'll be treated to tricky level design, bizarrely original characters, fetch quests that aren't as bad as you think, and egg soldiers waging war on the family dog. Seriously.
*MUSIC/ SOUND*
Retard Monthly:
"Garbled mumbling passes for speech, and the music is barely noticeable"
THE TRUTH:
Haha, notice how smartypants marks the gargled speech as a minus? And yet, he favors the glorious sounds of the Sims, where everybody blurbles and gargles about what they did that day. How fun!
Seriously though, I can compare the gibberish in Chibi to the gibberish in the Sims--except for one fact: I can actually bear Chibi's gurgling.
As for the music and other sounds, expect to fall back on fond memories of Looney Tunes or some Disney movies you watched as a kid. Every action Chibi performs is accompanied by a cartoonish musical instrument rather than realistic sounds, which is a welcome plus to the quirk factor. And Drake Redcrest's theme reminds me of the Power Rangers.
Priceless.
*STORYLINE/PLOT*
Retard Monthly:
"Pick up lazy people's crap and scrub stains in the carpet! It's like Cinderella the game, except nothing good ever happens...that's not even bringing up the disturbing dynamic of mute child, critical mother, and irresponsible father."
THE TRUTH:
You are a small bot named Chibi Robo. You are brought into the Sanderson home, and are immediately put to work.
Haha, I know: doesn't sound like much fun. But the storyline doesn't end there; you eventually discover what happened to each character, events that led to the person you talk to today. Each character actually has a pretty good story to him--and it is true that the game has overtones of some very serious issues (unhealthy addictions, parental irresponisibility, marital woes, corporate greed, regret, scandals, loneliness, neglect, and even death). However, Chibi Robo handles each one like an expert--with gentle kid gloves. Not a single one of these concepts are heavy-handed, which is a huge plus for Robo's storyline--enriched with drama, yet childish enough for young children to enjoy (Like any good Pixar film, no?). Also, the game's story really picks up after you run into Giga-Robo in the basement. I'll spare you any spoilers for now...
*GRAPHICS*
"Some might call them 'cute' and 'funny'. I call them 'ugly' and outdated.'"
THE TRUTH:
And yet, you give each new GTA a 10, even though each one has ugly, outdated graphics (Even the ones on Xbox). How can you offer a perfect score to a game that has ugly graphics? I sure can't, and Chibi Robo's no exception.
The graphics are a mishmash. The graphics for most of the toys and the environment is good. The graphics for the Sandersons is bad, bad, BAD! People don't have crab claws!
Despite how mixed the graphics are, though, it all fits into the nature of the game, much like a certain PS2 ball-rolling cult classic.
*IN THE END*
Retard Monthly:
"I'm fully aware that my thoughts on this game are going to earn me a ton of angry hate mail from peopel who claim that I just don't get this game's appeal. Well, I have a message for them: Look beyond the "cute and quirky" facade of this game to see it for what it really is--a dreary, joyless piece of junk that shamelessly tries to get kids to believe that cleaning is fun."
THE TRUTH:
I have a message for you too, Fathead: you could look beyond GTA's "mafiaso" facade for its true form, which is exactly what you describe--except that it tries to trick mentally unstable people into thinking that killing innocent people is fun. I'd rather have my room cleaned than get killed, thank you.
As far as it goes, Chibi Robo does need polishing in quite a few areas... namely the beginning, some of the graphics, a slight cutdown on fetch quests, and the fact that it needs more combat. Oh well, it isn't a perfect game, but it's cute, quirky, memorable, and a lot of squeaky-clean fun with something for everyone to enjoy.
GOOD:
*Chibi-Robo, as a character. He should be in the next Smash Bros!
*The environments look great
*Level design is like a cartoonish, childsafe planet Zebes
*Cleaning, challenges, and fetch quests earn you Happy Points (aka, "experience points")--meaning that they are a means to an end instead of a dreary take-forever chore... not to mention that the cleaning actually doesn't take longer than a few seconds in most cases
*The music and sound are cool
*The control is simple and fun
BAD:
*First of all, Retard Monthly and their outlandlishly exaggerated bad review
*The character models are... bleh
*Not enough time in the day to do all the nothing you want
*The fetch quests are a little too numerous, although none of them are particularly difficult
*I need more monsters to kill
*The supersluggishly slow beginning portion of the game
SCORE: 8.5/10
Truth and quirkiness have prevailed! JUSTICEFULNESS!
***Review by Pilgrim John
Welcome to the very first "Pilgrim John vs. the Gamer Journalism Industry" review brand. Wait a minute, I'm supposed to be reviewing a game, yes?
Too true. In fact, a certain magazine (Because I pity their foolishness, I shall name them Retard Monthly) gave this quirky gem, Chibi-Robo, a 5 out of 10.
And why?
Friends, do not believe the exaggerations issued out by this crapazine. I shall pick apart their weak arguments and completely obliterate them with cold truth and, to quote Drake Redcrest, JUSTICEFULNESS!
Let us begin the punishment.
*GAMEPLAY*
Retard Monthly:
"This game is not a damn bit of fun...The fact that you're constantly recharging Chibi and returning to his 'Chibi-House' every five minutes doesn't help anything either...the longer I spent in the Sanderson house, the less appealing I found it....its self-destructive camera and monotonous gameplay flatten brain activity like a blow to the head...Chibi-Robo is not a platformer, but more of a 3D adventure game comprised entirely of fetch quests and repetitive menial labor."
THE TRUTH:
That is how it feels in the very start of the game. The beginning is S L O W. Painfully slow, in fact, and it can be somewhat repetitive. And it's true about the battery--Chibi will need some repowering every five minutes at the start. After a while though, you'll be able to extend the life battery to several more minutes.
But this bonehead obviously didn't have the will to survive in Robo's world long enough to actually have FUN, or if he did, he sure didn't look very hard.
The game gets WAY better after the beginning. The whole point of this quirky adventure is to score as many Happy Points and Moolah as possible, and the way to do that is to help others.
But does knucklehead think it's fun to help people? Nope. He gives every GTA a 10, not once thinking that killing people gets boring after the second or third unfortunate victim.
Oh yeah, and the self-destructive camera? Nonexistant. In fact, the camera won't raise much of a fuss in any area of the house; this is something other games need to take note of.
As for the "fetch quests": there aren't that many. In fact, the characters challenge you a lot of the time, like Drake Redcrest taking you on patrol with him (In order to train you into the perfect start trooper). The fetch quests are definitely present though: a pirate, after discovering the Sandersons aren't dead, wants you to find his missing ship because he can't remember where it is; a narcolaptic teddy bear demands you seek more druglike "nectar" for him; a bunch of egg troopers (after trying to kill you) will wonder where their photo is, etc.
However, the fetch quests here aren't any different than in other games like Mario Sunshine's sprites... Each fetch is merely a means to an end, each character simply a pawn in your hands... mwahahaaa...
*ahem*
Anyway, as far as violence goes, there's not much unless either Chibi plummets from the ceiling rafters or he battles evil aliens. Yes. I said aliens. And robot spiders! Believe it!
In short, the gameplay works, and is quite simple and fun. Just try to survive the beginning, and you'll be treated to tricky level design, bizarrely original characters, fetch quests that aren't as bad as you think, and egg soldiers waging war on the family dog. Seriously.
*MUSIC/ SOUND*
Retard Monthly:
"Garbled mumbling passes for speech, and the music is barely noticeable"
THE TRUTH:
Haha, notice how smartypants marks the gargled speech as a minus? And yet, he favors the glorious sounds of the Sims, where everybody blurbles and gargles about what they did that day. How fun!
Seriously though, I can compare the gibberish in Chibi to the gibberish in the Sims--except for one fact: I can actually bear Chibi's gurgling.
As for the music and other sounds, expect to fall back on fond memories of Looney Tunes or some Disney movies you watched as a kid. Every action Chibi performs is accompanied by a cartoonish musical instrument rather than realistic sounds, which is a welcome plus to the quirk factor. And Drake Redcrest's theme reminds me of the Power Rangers.
Priceless.
*STORYLINE/PLOT*
Retard Monthly:
"Pick up lazy people's crap and scrub stains in the carpet! It's like Cinderella the game, except nothing good ever happens...that's not even bringing up the disturbing dynamic of mute child, critical mother, and irresponsible father."
THE TRUTH:
You are a small bot named Chibi Robo. You are brought into the Sanderson home, and are immediately put to work.
Haha, I know: doesn't sound like much fun. But the storyline doesn't end there; you eventually discover what happened to each character, events that led to the person you talk to today. Each character actually has a pretty good story to him--and it is true that the game has overtones of some very serious issues (unhealthy addictions, parental irresponisibility, marital woes, corporate greed, regret, scandals, loneliness, neglect, and even death). However, Chibi Robo handles each one like an expert--with gentle kid gloves. Not a single one of these concepts are heavy-handed, which is a huge plus for Robo's storyline--enriched with drama, yet childish enough for young children to enjoy (Like any good Pixar film, no?). Also, the game's story really picks up after you run into Giga-Robo in the basement. I'll spare you any spoilers for now...
*GRAPHICS*
"Some might call them 'cute' and 'funny'. I call them 'ugly' and outdated.'"
THE TRUTH:
And yet, you give each new GTA a 10, even though each one has ugly, outdated graphics (Even the ones on Xbox). How can you offer a perfect score to a game that has ugly graphics? I sure can't, and Chibi Robo's no exception.
The graphics are a mishmash. The graphics for most of the toys and the environment is good. The graphics for the Sandersons is bad, bad, BAD! People don't have crab claws!
Despite how mixed the graphics are, though, it all fits into the nature of the game, much like a certain PS2 ball-rolling cult classic.
*IN THE END*
Retard Monthly:
"I'm fully aware that my thoughts on this game are going to earn me a ton of angry hate mail from peopel who claim that I just don't get this game's appeal. Well, I have a message for them: Look beyond the "cute and quirky" facade of this game to see it for what it really is--a dreary, joyless piece of junk that shamelessly tries to get kids to believe that cleaning is fun."
THE TRUTH:
I have a message for you too, Fathead: you could look beyond GTA's "mafiaso" facade for its true form, which is exactly what you describe--except that it tries to trick mentally unstable people into thinking that killing innocent people is fun. I'd rather have my room cleaned than get killed, thank you.
As far as it goes, Chibi Robo does need polishing in quite a few areas... namely the beginning, some of the graphics, a slight cutdown on fetch quests, and the fact that it needs more combat. Oh well, it isn't a perfect game, but it's cute, quirky, memorable, and a lot of squeaky-clean fun with something for everyone to enjoy.
GOOD:
*Chibi-Robo, as a character. He should be in the next Smash Bros!
*The environments look great
*Level design is like a cartoonish, childsafe planet Zebes
*Cleaning, challenges, and fetch quests earn you Happy Points (aka, "experience points")--meaning that they are a means to an end instead of a dreary take-forever chore... not to mention that the cleaning actually doesn't take longer than a few seconds in most cases
*The music and sound are cool
*The control is simple and fun
BAD:
*First of all, Retard Monthly and their outlandlishly exaggerated bad review
*The character models are... bleh
*Not enough time in the day to do all the nothing you want
*The fetch quests are a little too numerous, although none of them are particularly difficult
*I need more monsters to kill
*The supersluggishly slow beginning portion of the game
SCORE: 8.5/10
Truth and quirkiness have prevailed! JUSTICEFULNESS!
